A tunnel with no light
I went through a bad relapse in end of August 2021. The last time I had it was in January 2021, and thankfully it lasted only less than a week. But this time, the intensity is much stronger and I am not sure how long it would last.
For the last several months, I thought I can start to live normally.
I can enjoy breakfast without having to throw up every morning (occasionally it still happen, but manageable).
I can have my meals regularly, without feeling nauseated in front of the food.
I can start having a good habit to learn German and exercise weekly, with more motivation to live day to day and taking care of myself.
I can start to smile sincerely in front of the mirror, without having to feel awful and terrified of my own face.
I can finally have a normal sleeping schedule, without a severe headache and racing heartbeat forcing me to sleep to get rid of the pain, no matter what time and where am I at the moment.
I can work and function just fine, without the urge to cry and control those internal panic attacks.
I can manage to keep myself in contact with my closest friends, without a need to withdraw and run away from social interactions.
I am even doing okay (if not well) to let myself socializing with new people.
I thought, I might as well be doing fine, even with me pushing aside my wounds, not treating it, and pretending that I will be okay to ignore those problems for the rest of my life.
But life, always have a way to surprise you, pressing the wounds open, let it bleed so bad, reminding you that you are indeed, broken, and need a repair. It’s grim to know that life will always trap you inside the tunnel, revolving you back to the problems you have been ignoring.
I can no longer pretend that I am a normal human being, when in fact, I am not, and I desperately need help.
Honestly, I am pretty tired every time I realized that I have another wound to heal and take care of.
It’s like realizing that your life is an onion, you keep peeling it as you grow older, only to realize every layer makes you cry and feel helpless. It’s like a never ending process, and you don’t even know how many wounds do you have left?
What did I do so wrong to have such a difficult and dramatic life? I can still remember how my friend said, every year in my life always have at least one dramatic story that can be translated into a movie script, and I have enough stories to make an interesting autobiography on my own later.
“But you know, these experiences will only make you stronger and wiser. You will have more depth of understanding about life, be unique on your own and can help other people to heal their wounds.”
But I never asked for it! If I get to choose, I also want to lead a light, happy, and stupid life. I don’t need to be a so smart and wise person, if I can get a shortcut out of my messy life.
Every time I had such desperate thoughts, my friends and sisters are always kindly reminding me:
“Hey, do you know that you are the bravest and most inspiring person I’ve ever know? You bravely face your fears and problems, with a strong determination that you always end up make it through, and change the people around you for good?”
But little did they know, I don’t face it bravely. It’s always a messy process, and actually even myself have no idea what to do. I can still vividly remember how desperately I wanted to run away, trembling with fears, crying silently every night, thinking that I was not strong and good enough to handle this. In worst case, I often ended up blaming myself, that possibly, I was cursed, and all these problems are actually my fault. It happened because of my mistakes and I didn’t lead my life correctly.
Sometimes, those thoughts consumed my mind so much, that I thought I don’t deserve anything good in this world. But deep in my heart, I want to believe that I can someday lead a peaceful life, without having so much emotional baggage from the past. I have no idea how can I reach such place, and get my own peace of mind. I am lost, wandering aimlessly with no clues in this difficult world.